I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize