i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
