Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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