Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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