Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
