I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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