Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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