Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
