i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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