omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
