Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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