You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
