just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize