I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
