Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
time to smoke my breakfast
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
