I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
