When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
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