god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
