Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
