The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think your dad took our porno
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
