batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My bed smells like the plague
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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