So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
