She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
