Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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