Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
