He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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