There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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