i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
