I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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