It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the day after is always just damage control
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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