I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
