You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize