So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
