Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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