You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
