We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
