We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
