He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
