I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
