I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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