Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
