You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
