I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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