Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
