on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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