i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
