Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
