i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
