someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
bring money and cleavage
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
