you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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