My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
