good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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