He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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