literally had 100 drinks last night.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
