Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
