so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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