I'm gonna have a badass scar
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
