i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
