i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
