his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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