Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
