Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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