I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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