Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
