You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
