Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
