Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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