Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
