I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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