i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i think my tv is drunk
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize