I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
