Apparently you make a good broom.
from now on my penis is your penis
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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