omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
