I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
