hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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