Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
