If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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